Lisa

Lisa

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(no subject)	[Aug. 2nd, 2009\|10:20 am]
Why do I have so many blogs floating around? If a website somehow crashes I would lose so much...
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deja vu	[Apr. 27th, 2008\|11:40 pm]
I'm scared the same thing will happen again, and I will be the one left behind. I love without reservation, and it makes me vulnerable. I don't know how long I can keep this up.
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Juno	[Jan. 21st, 2008\|09:07 pm]
"I need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever."
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deja vu	[Aug. 28th, 2007\|01:19 am]
It's starting all over again. The longing and the hurt. What should I do?
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fuck this	[Nov. 27th, 2006\|11:36 pm]
No one should fucking affect me like this. I am so fucking tired of being like this, and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I can't stop using fuck because it feels like the only fucking word in the world. FUCK FUCK FUCK
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things are better	[Nov. 14th, 2006\|12:04 am]
Honestly, I think I'm just too insecure. I wish there was someone I could tell these thoughts to, but I think I would feel too ashamed because they're so trivial and paranoid. I am paranoid. Insecurity and paranoia reign my life, but I like to make people think otherwise. It's been escaping me lately though. I can't keep my guard up, so this time, I need to change, not just pretend, but truly metamorphosize (is that a word). Turn me into a vermin PLEASE ohoho.
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I think...	[Oct. 30th, 2006\|10:18 pm]
I don't think I get attached to people easily but once I do, the attachment is more fierce than anything you'll ever see in this world. It's infatuation borderline obsession, and I can't tell if it's a good thing or not. Not to sound self-absorbed, but to be loved by me is a great thing.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 24th, 2006\|02:32 pm]
He makes me feel tiny and insignificant and I don't know what to do and I should say something about it but my throat clenches and my mouth gets dry and I never say it right and I'm always apologizing so the bottom line is: every girl wants attention. I deserve better !!!
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first love	[Sep. 1st, 2006\|05:21 pm]
Ugh, yesterday was some kind of a catharsis for me I guess. I couldn't even talk properly. That first question must have seemed so desperate and stupid. And now that I'm locked in all the time it's even worse because it's just me and my insecurity. I need to learn to stop caring so much and just be confident. I thought I was different, but I'm just another helpless girl.
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teenage love	[Aug. 21st, 2006\|09:38 pm]
If anyone is looking to get super emo, I suggest you throw yourself into a serious relationship right now. It is the single most frustrating thing in the world. The feeling you get from a high school relationship is often similar to that throbbing pain around your netherlands during your menstrual cycle. You're young, impressionable, and god, it is so easy to fall in love. On top of that, there is all this college stress. Being 17 is stupid and hard and often overwhelming, and that's the way it should be.
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for the love of god, talk	[Jul. 23rd, 2006\|11:39 pm]
I hate having to sustain conversations by myself. That is just annoying and awkward.
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block block block	[May. 7th, 2006\|07:08 pm]
"Does it still hurt?" "No. It sorta hurt yesterday, but I think that's because everything hurt." I have a bad habit of writing random parts of stories with no beginning and no end, and actually, no middle either. Just lines and lines of things that could be but aren't. One day I will finish everything.
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fun quiz

[Apr. 6th, 2006|09:31 pm]

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.
Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates.

Your date match profile:

Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Funny
3. Outgoing
4. Big-Hearted
5. Adventurous
6. Romantic
7. Sensual
8. Practical
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Stylish

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Practical
2. Funny
3. Outgoing
4. Adventurous
5. Religious
6. Intellectual
7. Sensual
8. Athletic
9. Romantic
10. Conservative

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

well that was fun & it's fairly accurate
except I don't know HOW IN THE WORLD my #1 trait is liberal bc for pretty much all political questions I put I DON'T CARE

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PART II AIM CONVO	[Mar. 28th, 2006\|10:46 pm]
BigB1206 (10:42:47 PM): maybe you should just do gay community service BigB1206 (10:42:51 PM): and stick to helping out people for FREE BigB1206 (10:42:58 PM): :'( LISA 5CHMISA (10:44:41 PM): GAY PEOPLE!?!?! LISA 5CHMISA (10:44:50 PM): WTF HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP THEM FOR FREE? BigB1206 (10:44:59 PM): GAY DESCRIBES BigB1206 (10:45:02 PM): COMMUNITY SERVICE LISA 5CHMISA (10:45:05 PM): OH BigB1206 (10:45:06 PM): not like BigB1206 (10:45:16 PM): help konky march down main street or anything
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asian festival YEEHAW?	[Mar. 18th, 2006\|10:37 pm]
So seeing all those familiar faces tonight made me think of the times when I was with that Asian clique. To tell you the truth, I used to have so much fun with those people, and I think I miss it all. That group was constant and immature and hell'll freeze over before any of that changes. I sort of wish I had that kind of a clique where no one changes, and everyone is happy all the time. It makes me wonder if I can keep these friends I have now throughout college? It's a lot to hope for, but that would be neat. :) So right now I pretty much love Valerie and Alice. Wow, what a sappy and useless entry.
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it's always been a problem	[Feb. 5th, 2006\|07:17 pm]
I get too worked up about everything. I'm so easily upset, and it's probably hard for most people to tell. When I get upset, it's like this constant nagging string tugging at my brainstem. I can't sleep, and when I do, I dream about whatever's bothering me. Then when I wake up, I continue to worry. I continue to dwell, to think, to wonder... Really, it's a terrible habit, but I don't know how to stop. It's a vicious cycle. All this worrying and thinking will probably take 10 years off my life.
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I PROMISED VALAI AN UPDATE	[Jan. 28th, 2006\|02:23 pm]
I'm too lazy to make a real entry so SURVEY TIME [spell your first name backwards] asil [age] 17 [where do you live] texas [four words that sum you up] HILARIOUS, ROFLCOPTER, LMAO, stfu [wallet] what? [hairbrush] huh? [jewelry worn daily] none [pillow cover] ummmm it's... I can't remember [coffee cup] WHAT? I love mugs? [shoes] DAMMIT WHAT ABOUT THEM [cologne/perfume] THIS SURVEY IS SO CONFUSING [piercings] ears! [clothes youre wearing now] some ugly clothes MIXED QUESTIONS: [wishing] Columbia :) [after this] friend's place [talking to] no one [eating] nothing [fetishes] umm, non-monkey toes, defined cheekbones, flawless skin [some of your fav. movies] american beauty, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 2046, while you were sleeping, about a boy, the terminal [somthing youre looking forward to in the upcomin months] SPRING BREAK!! driver's license [last thing you ate] duck [something youre hella afraid of] bad grades dammit I am so asian [if you could have any animals as pets what would they be] chinchilla or lemming [three cities you wouldn't mind relocating to] wuhan, san francisco, shanghai [some of your fav. foods] sushi, chinese food [something you wish you could understand better] relationships [miss someone you haven't seen in a long time] yes DO YOU...: [like candles] yes [like incense] no [believe in love] yes [believe in soulmates] no [believe in love at first sight] maybe [believe in forgiveness] yes [want to get married] yes [want to have kids] yes [believe that you know the person that youll marry at this point in time] hailz yeah seth cohen here I come IN THE LAST 24 HRS HAVE YOU: [cried] no [bought sumthin] no [gotten sick] no [sang] yes [eaten] yes [been kissed] no [felt stupid] yes [wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't] no [met someone new] no [moved on] no [talked to an ex] no [missed an ex] no [talked to someone you have a crush on] yes [had a serious talk] NO I NEVER HAVE SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS [missed someone] yes [hugged someone] no [fought with your parents] no [dreamt about someone you can't be with] I don't remember SOCIAL LIFE: [best girl friend(s)] valerie, alice, stephanie, alli [best guy friend(s)] ben, matt [boyfriend/girlfriend] HMMM... [if none, current dating partner] mmmmmm... [hobbies] reading, writing, tv/movies, music the USUAL [pager/cell] I have a cell phone, yes [are you the center of attention or wallflower] I'm always the center of attention PUHHHLEEEZ [car you drive] no car, will soon be honda accord [would you rather be with friends or on a date] friends [job] NOT... YET! [attend church] used to [like being around people] shyes WHO...: [have you known the longest] qin [do you argue with the most] I don't argue with anyone [do you always get along with people] pretty much [who is the most trustworthy] alli [who makes you laugh the most] matt's "glazin raisin" [who is the nicest girl(s)] yini [who is the nicest guy(s)] I don't know any really nice guys [who has the coolest parent(s)] me [who has the coolest sibling(s)] matt [who is the most blunt] jack [is the smartest] ben PERSONAL: [who is your role model] no one [pet peeves] chattering in a theater, people that are arrogant but pretend to be modest, excessive vanity, stupidity, narrow-mindedness, back biting [ever liked someone you had no chance with] yes [ever lied to your best friend] yes [ever wanted to get revenge on someone b/c they hurt you] yes [cried over the opposite sex] yes, but not because of something retarded [have a certain "type" of person you go after] yes [rather be dumper or dumped] doesn't matter [rather have a relationship or "hook-up"] depends on time & place [what is your fav. part of your physical appearance] my humongous totally out there breaaaasts [what is your fav. part of your emotional being] get over things quick, not too nit-picky [are you happy with yourself] yes [are you happy with your life] yes [if you could change one thing what would it be] I DON'T WANT TO SAY OK? that was the worst survey ever if you read that you must be so pissed right now
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blogBLOGBLOGBLOG	[Dec. 8th, 2005\|11:20 pm]
This is a bit late but, I'M THANKFUL FOR ONLINE BLOGS. OH SO THANKFUL.
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To Meet Her	[Nov. 15th, 2005\|08:34 pm]
I present to you world, my reflections essay: I am sitting in the passenger seat of my dad’s truck, and the windows are rolled down. I’m not freezing, but my face is numb, and my hands are cold. My fingers reach out to tug on the strings that tighten my hood, so only my eyes show. We are traveling down a flat country road, and it seems to stretch on forever. There is nothing around us-- no houses, no people, no sounds. The silence envelops us, and I feel at peace. I breathe in and breathe out. The air is fresh and more fulfilling than any meal I’ve had in my short span of life. My fingertips brush against the current of the night breeze. In this moment, I am a fish who has been out of the water for too long, and I have finally found my way home. My dad is leading me to the place where my mom was buried; he has never taken me there before. He has never told me the reason. But now it’s time, and I don’t know quite what to expect. Every once in awhile we pass by a tree, solitary at its forlorn post, and I wonder, how long has it been standing there, breathing in the same air I’m breathing in now? Under the lambent moonlight, the world looks a little different. The moors that we are passing look nothing like moors but rather rumbling, rolling waves crashing against some invisible shore. The mountains in the distance look like giants, immobile and strong, frozen in time. I am almost lulled to sleep, but I can’t. Not now. For the first time on this trip, my dad speaks to me, “It’s been awhile since I’ve visited her.” I stay quiet. “I hope I still know the way there.” I am still. “There’s no room on this road for U-turns…” “I know.” He says nothing for a few minutes and then asks, “Are you angry?” He looks over at me, and I shake my head. “I’ve always thought maybe you were angry with me, for not bringing you to see her.” It’s my turn to look over to him. He keeps his hands on the steering wheel, and his eyes are directed forward. The lines in his face are wrinkled, and he looks tired. No, not tired, he looks old, and suddenly, I am filled with sympathy for this man. This is a man who has gone through life. “Why now?” I touch his cheek. He does not flinch. Why, of all times, now? Why is he bringing me to see a mother I have long since forgotten? A mother I have tucked away into my memories… “Why not earlier?” He does not reply. I am not surprised; he has never replied. For a second, the clouds cover the moon, and the world is completely dark. Darker than outer space. I want to know, but the darkness swallows me whole, and when I am spit back out, I find I have no more words to say. * He parks onto the grass, and we get out of the car. We are walking to the peak of the hill, towards the tree at the top, and from my eyes, it looks colossal, the way a guardian of Heaven should look. My dad is three feet in front of me, climbing with a hunched back, pressing his hands into his thighs. His breathing is ragged, but I don’t think he’s tired. At least not physically. Maybe he’s dreading to see her with me. Maybe he’s selfish and wants her all to himself. Maybe that’s why he’s never taken me before. Maybe. Maybe not. “Just a few more minutes, and we’ll be there.” I stop climbing. He turns around. “Dad…” He looks at me. “We can stop. I don’t have to go.” He only smiles and continues. I follow him. * I am finally here. She walked in beauty, like the night Lord Byron. An altered tense. “She chose to stay a romantic even in death.” My dad strokes the tombstone as if it were her hair. He tells me about her childhood and her dreams. I know that she hated green onions but loved grapefruit. I know that she flew kites but lost all of them in a fight with the trees. I know that when she had me, she told my dad she loved me more than anything else in this world. I am meeting her, and it is overwhelming. She named me. My heart feels like it’s going to burst. “When she was young, she was this magnificent bird,” he tells me as his eyes glaze over, “She was wild and tame all at the same time and when I first met her, it was like all my emotions were spilling out, and my heart felt like it was going to burst…” Funny how alike we are. * When I open my eyes, I see myself lying next to my dad, and the sky seems a little lighter than it had been earlier this night. I shake my dad to wake him, but he is already awake. “Are you ready to go?” His voice is gentler than it has ever been. “Not yet, just give me a minute.” I walk towards her, and on this hill, I can see everything below me. The wind brushes against my face, and my hair flies around me. I feel like the wind carries magic. The entire world is below me. I look up to see the stars. This is the millionth time I have found myself struck dumb this night. I have always thought the stars to be anything but romantic, fuzzy little dots that seemed to fade away if I stared too long. Just masses of gas held together by their own gravity. But right now, I am standing before my mother’s grave, beneath a canopy of diamonds that don’t disappear, and they are constant and brilliant and mind-numbingly beautiful. This is what my mother sees. And I finally understand why my dad has not led me here before. He takes me here at a time when I can appreciate and not grieve. She would not want me to grieve, especially not for her. Not when she is surrounded by so much beauty. I would like to stand here forever, but my dad is calling my name, so now I have to go.
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